While it’s true that women will do almost anything in pursuit of a good time, performing oral sex is not the act of martyrdom some would have you believe. You see, most women have an innate attraction to the penis, or at least think it’s “neat.” Hence, the creation of sex toys folks. A 1993 survey concluded that 55 percent of women found oral sex “very normal,” 32 percent found it “all right,” 9 percent found it “kinky,” 4 percent found it “unusual,” and 1 percent didn’t realize there was any other kind. (Strangely, when subjects were asked about instant pudding, the responses were identical.) Another study from the ’90s, the unofficial “Decade of the Blow Job,” concluded that “twice as many women who went to college have given or received oral sex compared with those who did not finish high school,” which clears up a lot of confusion about the definition of “liberal arts.” According to sexuality educator Logan Levkoff, while many women do it simply out of reciprocity, “there are some women who love to give oral sex,” wanting nothing in return. Now, if this sounds too good to be true, it probably is: These so-called “angels” are usually practitioners of the black arts, and will steal your breath in the night.
Who invented the blow job? Was it Cleopatra?
Of course not. Cleopatra invented Liquid Paper. The blow job came about in a rather amusing way: An 18th-century nobleman, the Earl of Sandwich, once requested that his meat course be placed between two pieces of bread so he could eat while playing cards. As this was happening, his friend the Marquis de Boules stayed behind in the kitchen and got a blow job. Isn’t that a ribald tale from the annals of history? However, it is not universally accepted by historians as being true in the truest sense of the truth. Educated people say there is evidence of oral sex in art that predates the time of Cleopatra. “I must say I laughed out loud when I read your question,” bragged Shelley Haley, a classics professor and Cleopatra expert at Hamilton College. That a classics professor just called you an idiot is beside the point. The point is, it’s safe to assume blow jobs have been around since before the beginning of time and, with any luck, will be here for another three months or so.
Is there an optimal position, ergonomically speaking, for giving a blow job? I don’t want my girlfriend to get stuck with a sore jaw.
That is the stupidest question I’ve ever heard. I have to answer, though, or these guys won’t sign my court order. Dr. Jack Summers, director of research for San Francisco’s Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, says, “It’s just like sucking a Popsicle. It shouldn’t be any more ergonomically challenging.” (That’s exactly what Prince used to tell me. I wonder if they know each other.) In turn, Ted McIlvenna, president of the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, has accumulated reams of data on this very subject. Upon learning of 13 cases of whiplash involving “crack whores in Key West,” he determined that “when you lean over too much, the jaw can be inconvenienced.” He suggests that anything that will make a man orgasm faster will help reduce the number of this kind of repetitive-motion injury. “The number-one culprit is men who drink too much. Of all the problems that professional women face, alcohol is number one.” (Surprisingly, assault, battery, incarceration, disease, rape, and murder all tie for second.) But perhaps the problem is bigger than we know. In his research, McIlvenna found that women were less likely to speak up about these things than the men he spoke to, many of whom took issue with the inconvenient placement of several public glory holes. “They preferred a position where they could be on their hands and knees,” explains McIlvenna. It is for this reason that Stacey Woods, director of the Institute for the Advanced Study of Important Things, has started Glory Be, a nonprofit community-outreach and think-tank program that brings community leaders, engineers, and local artists together to raise awareness about the position of glory holes at our nation’s truck stops. “I firmly believe in our message,” says Woods. “Fix a hole, fix a life.”
Do all women dislike it when you hold their head while you’re getting a blow job? And if so, where else should I put my hands?
I’ve put calls in to every living woman, and I’m still waiting to hear back from a couple — Soledad O’Brien is apparently on vacation, and I think I must have an old number for Markie Post because it just rings and rings — but so far, the rest of earth’s female population says, “It’s all in the attitude.” We understand it’s natural for your hands to land on whatever’s in the vicinity (head, shoulders, livestock, soft-serve ice-cream machine, senator, whatever), and some good-natured hair-stroking shouldn’t be a problem. However, you must be very, very gentle. A lady’s hair is really soft and pretty, but let’s not forget what happened to that little puppy, Lennie. You’ll also want to avoid using your hands in a forceful, demeaning sort of way. Very few women are into that. Oh, wait, here’s one: Sunset Thomas of Nevada’s own Kit Kat Guest Ranch (brothel) says, “I don’t mind a guy grabbing a handful of hair while I lip-lock his lumber.” Well, it seems Ms. Thomas has discovered the simple power of alliteration. “Or,” she continues, “if you’ve got the dexterity, dink a digit in our damp spot.” Okay! Settle down, Robert Frost. The fact is, you needn’t feel pressure to do anything noteworthy with your hands. Idle hands are no longer the devil’s playthings; the devil’s playthings are Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. But if you’re just one of those fidgety types, this may be a good time to brush up on your sleight of hand. Imagine her delight when it’s all done and you pull a quarter out of her ear!